The Ayahuaska Trip – Ken Callahan
I have been documenting my spiritual journey this past year and recently that journey took an Amazon flavored detour. I participated in three separate ayahuasca ceremonies. I am sharing two chapters from my book for those of you who are interested in ayahuaska and the power of the ancient medicine.
Ayahuaska Day One
I began the day feeling introspective, deep in thought about what to expect from my impending “trip.” I made the long drive to Orlando, never turning on music or, as I usually do, listen to interviews on Gaia. It was a beautiful day with temperatures in the eighties and the sun was shining brightly. I arrived about thirty minutes before check in. The first impression was how friendly and engaged everybody was. The first person I got to know was Sharon, a very sweet girl from New York. We had a friendly, candid conversation about our expectations, and it was a new friendship that made my trip more enjoyable. The first step is to get your temperature and blood pressure taken. Little did I know that the volunteer that was taking my vitals would become my confidant and would help me make a decision that would define my trip. In my reservations, I rented a private room called “The King.” I used it very little but believe me, I was happy to have it at times. After check-in and introductions, Sharon and I sat with several others who were just as anxious as we were. I couldn’t help but notice how everyone was willing to share their viewpoints and expectations of the upcoming ceremonies. It seemed that everyone was glowing with kindness and caring, and I had not yet drunk the medicine. They provided what I call, “hippie snacks.” They were lettuce wraps filled with unrecognizable hippie stuffing. I had not eaten since the day before but in light of what I was about to undergo, I had no intention of eating this day.
Our introduction to the ceremony began in the Maloka, what can be described as a giant yurt. It had a very spiritual vibe to it. It is circular, and around the interior perimeter, were small mattresses and the walls had esoteric artwork. Between the mattresses and the center alter were dozens of chairs. We were given a very thorough briefing about what we could expect, as well as a breakdown of ceremonial rules. It was made clear that it would likely be a difficult experience filled with purging. Purging could range from vomiting, sweating, crying, laughing, and use your imagination about anything you might expel from your body. Carlos, the guy giving the briefing, explained how he, pardon the expression, shit his pants in ceremony. His words, not mine. Upon hearing that tidbit, my panic ensued. They offered adult diapers and I was seriously considering it.
The ceremony began outside around a fire. We each had a pungent smoke fanned all over our bodies, followed by a sweet-smelling oil squirted into our hands, which we rubbed on our faces and bodies. There was a ceremony to bless the medicine and then we all retreated to our designated areas. I was assigned to be in the Maloka, which was temperature controlled. In Orlando, you wouldn’t think temperature would be an issue but believe me, before the weekend was over, it would be. When the time to drink arrived, we stood in line, waiting our turn, and the medicine was blessed again before it was handed to us. We all retreated to our mattress and waited until we were all told to drink when we were ready. This is where my first unpleasant experience occurred. I was reminded of the time when my son-in-law, my friend David, and I were driving down a country road. David reached for his bottle of water and chugged. Unfortunately, it was not his water but my son-in-law’s bottle of tobacco spit. As funny as it was that day, I found nothing funny about the taste of Ayahuaska. The taste lingered as I laid there in anticipation of what was to come.
The first sign that the medicine was working was yawning. Uncontrollable and constant yawning. I placed a sleep mask over my eyes and waited for the next sign. I immediately got cold, not a little cold but, sleeping naked in a cold ditch in Alaska cold. I was shivering like a scared chihuahua. Next, I began to see moving geometric symbols, but when I followed them with my thoughts, I felt nauseated. I kept trying to not focus on them to try to avoid throwing up. I was fighting the impending purge. After what seemed like hours, I heard a thought. Let me explain that from now on when I say I heard something, it was not actually heard but telepathic. In some cases, words wouldn’t have sufficed for what I heard. What I heard was, “You have to purge. Let go of ego.” I grabbed my bucket and let-her-rip. The second I did that, the trauma that I was experiencing subsided. I was still a bit cold but no longer shivering and the nausea was gone. I’m not sure what was happening next. I do remember conversing with somebody or something, but it is still fuzzy. I was still aware of my surroundings, and I could certainly hear a good percentage of the thirty something people in the room vomiting. At this point my physical mind was not aware of any value derived from the experience so far. I heard a gong, and someone said, “If you want a booster, come to the alter and get it.” I was perplexed, would it make me freeze again and would I have to purge? I looked at the facilitator next to me and said, “That’s a hell of a decision.” He knelt down beside me and whispered, “Let the medicine work.” That was not a tough sell at this point. Again, for what seemed like hours, I was talking to someone about things that I don’t remember. I remember asking over and over for them to show me what I need to know. I remember that before the ceremony, someone said to have an intention but not a demand. Eventually, I was frustrated at not getting tangible answers, I told the entity that if you won’t tell me, I will just ask. And I did. I had come to the ceremony with the intention of releasing baggage. I had tried tapping, praying, affirmation, and anything I could think of, but I could never release the emotions from my transgressions. I also wanted healing, mainly from my tremors and joint pains. At this point, I became a beggar. I started asking for everything. I wanted healing, knowledge, knowledge of how to heal, and while you are at it, tell me about aliens. Eventually the discussions subsided, and I was laying there listening and watching my roomies in the throes of visions. Some were still purging, screaming, and some were laughing. I was feeling disappointed. What did I get out of this? I got cold and nauseous. I threw up, so now all I got was cold. I thought it was over but then I heard, “Get a bowl.” I was quickly shown a stone or wooden bowl. I motioned for the facilitator, he knelt down, and I asked, “Could you please get me a bowl?” He said, “All I have are the ones we eat out of, you aren’t going to purge in it are you?” I laughed and said, “No, it is symbolic.” Next, I heard, “Natural material, stone or wood.” I told the guy it needed to be stone or wood.” He said he would try and off he went.” After what seemed like quite a while, he returned, and said, “I’m sorry but this is all I could find.” He handed me a rounded piece of bark from a tree. I laughed out loud and said, “Bless you brother, this is fine. It is symbolic.” I was told to put myself in the bowl and ask him to pray for healing to anything in the bowl, so I did. What I imagined, was that I was inside of the bowl, and I climbed out, leaving my burdens in the bowl. True to form, this nice guy was on his knees in a classic prayer position, giving it his best. I thanked him from the bottom of my heart and told him I would explain it to him later. After that, a peacefulness came over me and I watched the trauma of many being removed from their bodies, at least that is how I interpreted it. They had the most amazing eclectic music playing, and in many different languages so I couldn’t understand the words. The word Ayahuaska was in most of them. There was a woman walking around the room, singing along with the music. She had the smoothest, most peaceful voice I had ever heard. She was mesmerizing. She would kneel beside the people who seemed to be struggling the most and was visibly calming them. I’m sure she must have appeared to many as an angel. The last thing notable about this experience was what I will refer to as a download. I have experienced many downloads since I began documenting my spiritual journey this year. This download came to me all at once and was not told to me linearly. The message was, that asking someone or something to heal you, is not the best way to receive healing. It is coming from the wrong vibration. It can sometimes smack of ego. In my case it was, “Poor me, please heal me.” A more fitting way to do it is to have a prayer bowl ceremony. It said to gather others into a circle and place a natural bowl in the middle. Each of you meditate and place yourselves into the bowl. Now, all of you remove yourselves from the bowl but leave your burdens in the bowl. Now with all of your heart, pray for them. Pray to heal their traumas and pain. This is not the only way to be healed, but an effective and symbolic way to heal yourselves and others. It clarified the underlying message of my trip. “Leave your ego at the door.” Almost anything negative that you will ever experience will have at its source, ego. I am Ken Callahan, I am a writer, I am a singer, I am a songwriter, I am a musician, I am a father, I am a husband, and all of those things are my problem. They are not a problem because I do them, they are a problem because I use them to identify myself. We are much more than those things. We are infinite, divine, children of our creator and all of the things mentioned are used by my ego as status to others. Our problem is that we have come to identify so much with our egos that we have forgotten who we really are.
How about all of that? As amazing as it seems now, at the time I was not thrilled. Ayahuaska will ravage your body. It felt like I had combined covid with the flue and then I was forced to watch “The View” for four hours. Believe me when I say, I was miserable when I returned to my room. I had diarrhea that never truly went away the whole weekend. The pièce de résistance was that a cold front and rain moved in as I slept.
Ayahuaska Day Two
With a solid three hours of sleep under my belt, I woke up at my usual four-something A.M.. I was still aching and the memories from the night before were still vivid. I was perplexed. I was scheduled for two more ceremonies, but I wasn’t sure I could do it. If I chose to do the daytime ceremony and it was the same as the night before, I was certain that I would pack up and go home. I spent a lot of money on the journey, but I guess I was losing my spine. A short time later, I stepped outside into sixty-something degree weather, and it was damp. The only people milling around were the staff and those who were making trips to the bathroom. I saw an angel in white, at least she looked angelic. It was a volunteer named Christina. I mentioned her in the previous chapter as the confidant that helped me make an important decision. She wanted to hear about my journey from the night before, so we talked for about forty minutes. I told her about my concerns with the daytime ceremony. She explained that every ceremony is different, and she truly believed that I should do it. I was still on the fence, but she was helping me over it. She told me that she would get a facilitator to talk to me about it. A few minutes later, I was speaking to a facilitator who simply reiterated what Christina had said. They were both convincing, so I decided to do it.
A short time later, many of us were beginning to gather and talk about the night before. It was amazing to hear their stories. My favorite one was Steve. Steve came there for a lot of the same reasons that I did, and he was glowing. He said he got what he came for. We had talked the day before about confirmation. We both understood the nature of things but that was intellectual. We wanted to feel it, to know it. I was so happy for him. He gave me hope for my ceremonies. I had another friend who said it was horrible. He gave no details, but said it was because he couldn’t let go of his ego. Sharon had a cool story. Again, not a lot of detail but she said she got to meet her fourteen-year-old self. She also got to meet Mother Ayahuaska. One cool guy from Alabama told me he had demons inside of him that he was fighting. He said he was cussing them, telling them to get out. He said it was his fault they were there and when all was said and done, he knew what he had to work on. He said it was horrible but needed. I spoke to at least a dozen people, and we all got one message, “Leave your ego at the door.” As I said earlier, nearly anything negative in our lives is directly or indirectly the result of identifying as our ego. Never forget that we are a spirit with a body, not a body with a spirit.
The setup for the daytime ceremony was not looking good. I was bundled up like an eskimo and still freezing. This time we were on a mat, under the trees, with no temperature control except a blanket. At least the rain had stopped. As I went for my cup, I was asked about the night before. I said, “It didn’t work.” He asked how much I think I need, and I took the leap and said, “Make it a double.” In our briefing, they said the daytime ceremony would be more interesting because of the psychedelic effects. The colors were supposed to be brighter, and the visuals would be stunning. I chugged down my tobacco spit and laid down. I should mention that both times I have written about drinking Ayahuaska, I became nauseous. I nearly had to go outside and breath some cold air. It’s not a memory that is easily forgotten. My intent was to not fight the purge at all. In fact, I was trying to throw up when the first urge hit but I couldn’t. The leaves began to make geometric designs and as I gave them my attention, I was told to purge. Believe me, I didn’t hesitate, but this time, nothing changed. I was told that I have more purging to do, and with that, my diarrhea kicked into overdrive. I fought it as I was being told to let it go. “Oh, hell no!” I was not going to shit in my pants. I struggled and struggled. I was told that my ego was not allowed. I am sorry I have to get graphic with this, but I am going to tell you exactly what happened. If it is any consolation to you as a reader, I promise you will laugh later. I realized that I was not capable of walking to the restroom and so I chose to pull down my pants down, hang my butt off of the blanket and purge anything that wanted to get out of me. I was humiliated. I knew there was a pretty young, blonde facilitator sitting in a chair just ten feet from me. I was told, “No more ego.” Again, the urge hit me, and I realized that my fear of humiliation was not my spiritual fear but my egoic self not wanting others to see me in such a compromising position. I said out loud, “Okay, I get it!” I give up, let’s do this.” With that statement, my bowels loosened. Immediately, my entire body became warm and relaxed. A piece came over me and the entity began speaking to me. Information that, even now, I can’t fully comprehend began to come to me. Every once in a while, the flow would stop, and it was as though I was getting my ego checked. I remembered to look at the trees and colors but when I did, I was told to stop looking, that it was distracting me from what I needed to know. The diarrhea would rear its ugly head and purge. After, a few times, I began to laugh. I asked, “How much worse can it get? Bring it on!” The information kept coming, follow by several tests. I was given a vision of a bright dot on what I perceived as a timeline. I was told that the dot represents the true “me” and the timeline is just an illusion. It said the only thing real is here and now. One side of the timeline represents memories, and the other side represents wishes, but neither side is real. The only thing that is real is the here and now. One phrase that kept coming back was, “What does any of that matter?” I would defecate and immediately I would see the white dot on the timeline and hear, “what does that matter?” We had conversations about many things and every time I would consider the past or future, the timeline scenario would be given to me. It was made clear that no matter who we are or what our situation we are all in the exact same place, here and now, and nothing else is relevant. From here you have infinite choices, and it is all up to you how you want to proceed. At this moment, as with any moment, no person is better or worse than another. We are all equal in God’s eyes and he doesn’t love anybody any more than he loves you. We are all one, and at that moment, I felt it. I felt loved in a way that I can’t explain. It was beautiful. As the effects were wearing off, I laid there in my mess, smiling as I never have before. I laughed as I thought, “I could never imagine being so happy to be laying on a cold, wet ground in a pile of shit.” Again, I laughed out loud.
As I waited for the ceremony to end, I assumed there would be a lot of embarrassed people getting up with messy pants but the more of them I saw, the more I realized that I may be the only one that was messy. Finally, I got up, wrapped my blanket around me to hide the mess, and made my way back to my room, ecstatic that I had a private bathroom. As I dropped my underwear leaves fell out on the floor from when I pulled my pants down. Reluctantly, I looked down to see the damage and to my amazement, my pants were clean. It had all been an illusion. I laughed out loud and thanked God that it was only an illusion.
I took a two-hour nap and woke up still grinning from ear to ear at the amazing experience that just happened. I could still feel God’s love and I could still feel the oneness of everything. I walked by the kitchen and was sorely tempted by the hippie food, but I knew I still had one more ceremony and I was not willing to blow chunks. I had not eaten in three days so I could have gone for a few lettuce wraps. Outside, everybody was relaying to each other what they had experienced, and it was much of the same. This time there were more good stories than bad. Unfortunately, the one guy that I mentioned earlier had another horrible experience and said he wasn’t sure he could do it again. I relayed my story and continued my huge grin for the rest of the day. I walked to my truck for my cell phone to let my wife know I was still alive. I was about to go back when I thought, I should call my sister and let her know what happened. At that exact moment, the phone rang, and it was her. We have done that many times and it makes me laugh every time.
Now as we prepared for the final ceremony we gathered for the smoke and oil part; I saw the guy that I mentioned earlier declining to do it again. I felt bad for him. I wish he would have stayed. I really enjoyed his company and I believe that this ceremony gives everybody what they need, whether it seems like it or not.
As for the final ceremony, there is no need to be descriptive, as it would sound repetitive. As for what the message was, it would be hard to say. I remember having conversations, and the entity kept feeding me information as downloads in huge chunks. So much was coming that I couldn’t unpack it. The major difference was that I was not asked to purge at all. I did believe I was messing my pants again, but I felt like that was once again just an ego check. I did not waver and said, “If you want me to shit the bed, that is what I will do. There is no ego here.” Thankfully, again, it was not real. Also, this time I was hot and sweaty rather than cold. As for what my downloads were, I understood it to be information that I could put together at a later time and I was content with that.
Morning arrived and as usual, I was up before the sun. I sat on the bench in the kitchen staring at the hippie food that I could not wait to devour. I had not eaten in three and a half days, so I was starving. If not for that, I would have opted for Waffle House, but I wasn’t sure I could make it that far. I left early with few goodbyes, except my Alabama friend with the demons. I asked how it went and he said he got what he needed. He said the demons were the most helpful. He said he is probably going to bring his wife and do it all again. That is a strong man. I admire him.
After a long drive, stopping only for gas and to eat more carbs than I have had in two months, I finally made it home. I hugged my wife and began a conversation about my weekend. Her first words to me were, “You’re not going to be doing drugs here are you?” I went to bed and slept for four hours.
I will give my final opinion on ayahuasca. I am sure many of my religious friends and family are appalled and my newfound ayahuasca friends will not be happy with my take on it. For those of you that think it is demonic, that is your prerogative. Just know that it never gave me anything other than messages of love and humility. Humility meaning, leaving my ego behind. For those of you that want to think of it as a drug, that is your prerogative. Just know that for thousands of years it has been considered one of the most powerful medicines ever given to humanity. It only became a stigmatized drug when the Nixon administration deemed it to be. There were many reasons for that, but this is not the forum for that discussion. For those who believe it is a recreational drug, good luck with that endeavor. This journey is not for the faint of heart. It will beat you down physically and mentally until you are ready to hear what it is your soul needs to hear. If you want to hang out with your friends and drink ayahuasca, be prepared for them to see you puke and cry. Also, you may want to wear rubber pants.
My Soul Quest church friends constantly refer to it as Mother Ayahuaska, as though it is a conscious entity. You may be right, but I have a different take on it. I believe it is a concoction that raises our consciousness to a higher level that allows us to have direct contact with beings in a higher dimension than ours. I suspect that the entity that I kept referring to is more likely my higher self, who knows exactly what I need to ascend. I never felt anything but loved by the entity and I never feared it. I wish the contact didn’t have to come at such a challenging cost, but it was worth it.
I didn’t speak to a single person that didn’t express the opinion that the number one challenge was letting go of their ego. I didn’t meet a single person who wasn’t physically slammed and even though they were slammed, almost all of them said it was what they needed, and they would do it again.
Would I do it again? Absolutely, if I felt I needed it. I hope I never do, but it will always be there for me if I need it. What did I get out of it? I know that I am forgiven for my past transgressions because I have finally forgiven myself. I could not begin to share the insights that I was given. Suffice it to say, I have already shared with you plenty. I felt God’s love and that was enough.
Follow Up
Nearly two weeks have passed since my quantum swing on the magic vine called ayahuaska and the healing session with Sonja Grace. I had very high hopes that my life would be very different than before these experiences and, while I have not quit my job and headed to Tibet to meditate with monks, I am experiencing changes. The first thing I noticed was an ease of meditation. I find it simpler to quiet my mind and though I’m not sure how to adequately explain it, there is a more assured calmness that is easily tapped into. I have not needed guided meditation audio or video or calming binaural sounds to help the process. It is crystal clear to me that meditation is one of the most important habits that we all should form. It is the vehicle to enlightenment. For any of you that do not meditate, I urge you to adopt the practice. Although I have barely scratched the surface of the potential, I already depend on it rather than view it as a chore. For most of us, it is a learning process to become accomplished enough to reap the benefits, but most things that are worthwhile require effort.
Two weeks ago today, I had a healing session with Sonja Grace. She gave me a thorough explanation of the things she did and what she saw. The next morning, I woke up to minimal pain. I was not ready to acknowledge that it was because of Sonja’s attempts at mitigation, but I was pleased to feel better. I have a history of good days and bad days so, while not yet convinced, it had been quite a while since I had felt that good. Unfortunately, three days later, I was experiencing more pain than usual. I was not defeated yet because after that particularly bad day, each day seemed to get a little better. Of course, I ruined the progress abruptly, three nights ago. I was headed to my studio to do some recording when I had an accident that reminded me what a sore shoulder could feel like. While descending my back porch steps, I missed the last step and was rapidly acquainted with the concrete. I busted my elbow pretty badly, but it was the shoulder that kept me laying on the cold concrete. The pain worsened overnight and the act of getting out of bed the next morning was a monumental task. I immobilized the shoulder movement by wearing a sling for two days. To my amazement, I woke up this morning with little discomfort, so I went through the day without wearing the sling. As I sit here reading what I just wrote, I clasped my hands behind my head. This movement would have been excruciating two weeks ago. In fact, right now, my shoulders feel better than they have in over a year. Was it because of Sonja or ayahuaska, or perhaps I am just having an exceptionally good day? I can’t say for sure, but I am happy to have the relief.
One benefit I have noticed since my trip is the ease at which I become the observer. By that, I mean that I relate more to my consciousness rather than my physical self. I believe this is a direct consequence of having my ego obliterated in the ayahuaska ceremonies. The ceremonies made it clear that I am much more than just the physical Ken Callahan, going about my daily routines, existing only for what I perceive is in my best interest. Now I spend more time observing situations and consulting my feelings rather than my thoughts about them. I tend to observe my life like a movie, and I am the actor rather than the character. I am pleased at this shift of perspective. I think it is the way we were designed to be, but we have forgotten who we really are. Identifying as your physical self, or ego, blinds you from seeing your true self.
Originally, I had not intended to write this follow-up so soon. I intended to wait a bit longer to be sure about the healing and hopefully, I would have more tangible experiences to share. Well, a tangible experience slapped me in the face today and I could not wait to share it. I am still in awe of what has transpired in the past twenty-four hours. Last night, as usual, I meditated when I went to bed. It began as nothing special. I quickly quieted my mind and did what I call a body check. That is where you closely observe your body for any sensations. I inventory myself by concentrating on a part of my body and observing any sensation coming from that part of me. It is a process that stops your mind from wandering. It provides a similar function as listening to your breath or heartbeat. At one point, I was analyzing my scalp and eventually my entire head. I began to notice a vibration of sorts and I tried extending it downward to my neck and shoulders. I have experienced this vibration before, but I was never able to localize it. It usually just manifests throughout my entire body. I tried to hold it in my shoulders since I was still pretty banged up from the fall. Wow! It just occurred to me that this could be why I woke up this morning with pain free shoulders. Anyway, what happened next was more exciting than healed shoulders. The entity returned. By entity, I mean whoever or whatever I conversed with during my ayahuaska ceremonies. I’m not sure if I initiated it or was it already there. I sensed a presence, so I asked, “Are you here?” I said, “I am here, are you?” It felt exactly the same. It was the same presence that I had spoken to in ceremony. This time it showed me a friend. I won’t name her because I’m not sure if she would want me to. The entity… Entity just sounds so cold and impersonal I am going to call it Waska from now on. I still think it is likely a version of me or my subconscious mind. Whatever it is, will from now on be referred to as Waska. Waska showed me my friend and telepathically told me that she has been through some tough situations, and she smiles when she doesn’t feel like smiling. Next, it did more than show or tell me, but instead, it allowed me to feel her pain. It was not physical pain but fear and uncertainty. It was as though she felt defeated. I don’t want to over analyze what I felt because it happened in a flash and was gone. Suffice it to say, she was feeling burdened. Waska said her life was exactly as it was supposed to be, and she is doing what she is supposed to do. Waska said she doesn’t see it, but she is going to be just fine. Her life is going to play out exactly as it is meant to. The last thing Waska said was that I am to tell her these things. Forgetting the message that was given to me, all I could say was holy shit! I just had an ayahuaska experience without drinking tobacco spit or vomiting. I was elated. Now I have to wonder, and hope, that this could become a regular thing.
So, I woke up this morning, still excited and now I was pain free. I headed off to work, anxious about telling my friend what had happened. I say anxious but I was also worried. I had no idea how she would react when I told her that an old friend from a previous psychedelic trip visited me last night and told me about her personal life. She is incredibly nice so I had to believe she would at least listen before deciding that I was completely nuts. She was wonderful. She didn’t laugh when I told her where I got the message from. I barely got half of the message out when she began crying. I don’t mean the cute, what a sweet valentine, kind of crying. This was more of a, watching the end of “The Notebook” kind of crying. I was choking up as I finished the message. We hugged and cried. She said she understood exactly what the message was about, and she needed to hear it. It gave me so much joy to see her reaction. I know she needed to hear that message and I have no doubt that it eased some of that burden that I was allowed to feel the night before. It was an amazing experience for both of us.
So, what does this mean for the future? Was it a one-time thing or will Waska and I have many conversations in the future? There is no joy that I can imagine greater than helping others. I have prayed many times for the ability to heal others and this was as close as I have ever come to doing it. It is now 11:17pm, past my bedtime. I’m going to quit writing now so I can do a quick meditation and thank Waska for the great work that he/she did. Goodnight.